Conflict is a natural part of any relationship. For some couples, disagreements might center around financial issues; for others, it could be a lack of intimacy or frequent arguments. The pandemic has added another layer of stress, with couples spending more time at home together, which can intensify existing tensions or reveal hidden issues in a relationship.
Therapy can be a valuable tool in navigating these challenges. It’s not about assigning blame or pointing fingers; instead, it focuses on improving communication and helping each partner express their needs more effectively. According to Tracy Ross, a relationship and family therapist in New York City, “couples therapy provides tools for communicating and asking for what you need.”
For those who may be skeptical, it’s worth noting that about 75 percent of couples who try couples therapy report that it improves their relationship, according to the American Psychological Association. “Many couples tell me that it’s the only time during the week where they can focus entirely on each other without any distractions,” Ross says.
Unfortunately, many couples wait years before seeking help. Gail Saltz, M.D., a clinical associate professor of psychiatry at New York-Presbyterian Hospital, Weill Cornell Medical College, advises that it’s better to seek therapy earlier rather than later. The longer unhealthy behaviors and resentful feelings persist, the harder they become to change.
One common obstacle to seeking therapy is when only one partner is willing to make a change. “Sometimes, one person is very eager to do the work, but the other is not,” Saltz notes. “Ultimately, both people need to participate for therapy to be effective.”
Here are nine common reasons why couples might seek help for their relationship:
1. You’ve Grown Apart
After many years of marriage, some couples may find that they no longer connect with each other and merely coexist as roommates. According to David Woodsfellow, a clinical psychologist and couples therapist, divorce rates tend to peak at specific times. The first peak occurs around seven years of marriage, and the second around 21 years. The latter is often due to couples growing apart rather than frequent fighting.
Ross explains that couples can become so busy with their lives that they ignore their loneliness or unmet needs. Eventually, a significant life event, like retirement or becoming empty nesters, forces them to reevaluate their relationship. Couples therapy can help them reconnect by reminding them of what initially brought them together and helping them rediscover the love they once shared.
2. You Disagree About Money
Money is often a contentious issue in relationships. For older couples, concerns about health problems, dwindling earning power, and retirement savings can create financial friction. Disagreements may arise from different spending styles, concerns about saving for retirement, or stress about managing finances.
Ed Coambs, a couples counselor specializing in financial therapy, notes that therapy can help couples understand their relationship with money and how it influences their thoughts about themselves and others. By discussing their financial backgrounds, couples can develop more empathy for each other’s spending behaviors and work together to create a financial plan that suits both partners.
3. Infidelity Has Occurred
One of the most common reasons couples seek therapy is to repair trust after an affair. Whether it’s a physical or emotional betrayal, infidelity can deeply damage a relationship. Therapy can help couples rebuild trust and address the underlying issues that led to the affair.
If you’re tempted to stray or have already done so, therapy can provide a path forward. While an affair can be devastating, it can also serve as a wake-up call for couples to address long-avoided issues and work toward rebuilding their relationship.
4. Political Differences Are Causing Strain
In today’s polarized political climate, differing political views can lead to heated arguments between partners. It’s easy to say, “agree to disagree,” but it’s often much harder to do in practice. Couples therapy can teach partners how to discuss political issues without letting the conversation become toxic.
One technique used in therapy is active listening, where one partner speaks while the other listens without judgment. This approach helps each partner feel heard and understood, which can reduce tension and lead to more productive conversations.
5. Your Arguments Are Unproductive and Hurtful
Arguments are a normal part of any relationship, but how couples handle conflict can make all the difference. Frequent bickering or hurtful words can damage a relationship over time. Therapy can teach couples healthier ways to resolve disagreements, focusing on respectful communication and avoiding inflammatory language.
For example, instead of saying, “Why did you do this?” a more constructive approach might be, “Help me understand why you feel this way.” Using “I” statements instead of “you” statements can also prevent the other person from becoming defensive.
6. You Have Different Parenting Styles
Even when both partners love their children, they may have different ideas about parenting. Whether it’s disagreements over discipline, financial support, or lifestyle choices, differing parenting styles can create tension in a relationship. Therapy can help couples understand each other’s perspectives and work together to find common ground.
Discussing how each partner was raised and how their upbringing influences their parenting decisions can provide valuable insight. Therapy can help couples develop a shared approach to parenting that respects both partners’ values and priorities.
7. You’re Facing a Major Life Transition
Life changes, such as retirement, illness, or becoming empty nesters, can disrupt the dynamics of a relationship. Different coping styles can lead to friction during these transitions. Therapy can help couples navigate these changes by restoring the connection they once shared.
For example, caring for an ill parent can be emotionally draining and may strain the relationship if one partner doesn’t feel supported. Couples therapy can provide a space to address these challenges and strengthen the relationship during difficult times.
8. Your Love Life Is Lacking
Intimacy is a crucial part of any relationship, but it can sometimes fade over time. Whether it’s a lack of physical intimacy or a decline in emotional closeness, couples therapy can help partners reconnect and reignite their love life.
Therapy can provide a safe space to discuss sensitive topics like sexual satisfaction and help couples explore ways to improve their intimacy. Even small gestures of affection, like a kiss or a kind word, can go a long way in strengthening the bond between partners.
9. You Want to Avoid Divorce or Have an Amicable One
For couples considering divorce, therapy can be a way to explore whether the marriage is salvageable. If one partner wants to stay together while the other is ready to separate, therapy can help them clarify their feelings and decide on the best path forward.
If divorce is inevitable, therapy can help couples part ways more amicably, reducing the emotional toll on both partners. By processing their feelings and avoiding blame, couples can achieve a healthier, less damaging separation.
Conclusion
Couples therapy can be a powerful tool for improving relationships, whether you’re dealing with growing apart, financial disagreements, or other common issues. By seeking help early and working together, couples can build a stronger, more resilient relationship that can withstand life’s challenges.
